My Little Angel - Sufi Farisa

This entry is my sad experience on the loss of my grand daughter.. Bear with me for the long story. It is dedicated to all of you.

This is my personal story ABOUT MY LITTLE ANGEL SUFI FARISA. Personal in nature, sad in mode. Please bear with me.

On the 16th of Mei 2010 at 6.50 am, my grand daughter, Sufi Farisa Mohamad Firdaus, passed away. She was just 4.2 years old. It broke my heart to million pieces. For once in my entire life I just don’t have any control over what happened to my life. The world was crumbling! I thought it has ended!

My granddaughter was such a beautiful, cute little girl. She has this lively and bubbly character. She made friends with the neighbours’ children very easily.
What I remember most about her was her prayer,“Merciful Allah, please save us from the Satan” whenever I am with her, driving her around Putrajaya.
Then she will say,“ Ok you can drive now mamatok (grandma)!”

Dear Sufi Farisa,

I know you are in heaven. Your place is guaranteed there. But Farisa, grandma is still trying to mend my broken heart and still trying to lessen the burden of pain in my chest for losing you.

Your Uncle Wan and Uncle Yen cried for you my dear. They love you very much. Uncle Fiq is still in Australia and he also cried for losing you too.

Uncle Wan, UncleYen and mamatok still talked about you. We still visualize you around the house when you came visiting us in Precint 10 Putrajaya every night or fortnightly with your mother and father or when we visited you in Precint 11 Putrajaya.

My darling Sufi Farisa ,

You have such wits about you that amazed me. I remember one day, I was searching for something but I could not find it and you said to me,

“Mamatok (grandma), you look for it using you nose, that is why you couldn’t find it, let me help you find it with my eyes.”

You were only three then.

Farisa Darling,

Uncle Wan can only speak at five, but you can speak since you were two. There’s nothing that can stop you from talking. Once, I asked you to stop talking and immediately you ask me “Why!”

I told you that I wanted to watch the news on tv.

“Why”

I explained, “Mamatok (grandma) wanted to know what happened in the world and in the nation.”

“Why” again.
“WHY” again.
“WHY” again.
“WHY”

The “WHY” will always be on your lips.

Uncle Wan and Uncle Yen is pining for you. Both of them are my pillars of strength now. When I cried, they will console me. It is tough I know. I also knew they are suffering too just like me.

Farisa dear,

When I went to the hospital that eventful morning, the very moment they opened the door of the mortuary, I saw you lying there, my feet just gave way! All of a sudden it went like jelly. I just can’t stand!

What else to walk!

But uncle Wan and Uncle Yen help me. They put me on the wheelchair and pushed me towards you. When I saw your lifeless body and your sweet face there, my head spin and everything went black!

My darling angel Farisa,

I cannot imagine what your mother and your father felt, it must be as painful if not much more than what I felt that day.

I always imagine Sufi Farisa now, wearing a white flowery gown in heaven, in a very beautiful and colorful garden, butterflies following her around, with her friends, playing and she will be talking and talking. Small angel in Heaven.

“Dear Merciful Allah, I know that my grand daughter is happy there but, Ya, Allah please help me and my family and show me and my family the way to go through this greatest test you have put on us.”

I know that “Ajal dan maut di tangan Tuhan” (Death is in God’s hand). I know that if our time to go is up we have to go, no matter what. Not a moment earlier or not a moment late but the sadness tha comes with it is too unbearable.

“Please Ya Allah, give me the strength to accept this fate (redha).”

I still remember when Sufi Farisa wanted to sleep, I always sing this song for her with a fewer changes of lyrics:

Tidurlah wahai Sufi Farisa , tidurlah
(Go to sleep my dear Sufi Farisa , go to sleep)

Pejam mata, hai tidur nyawa,
(Close your eyes, sleep my dear life).

Ku dendangkan, ku nyanyikan,
(I will sing for you, I will serenade you).

Duhai Farisa jelita
(My beautiful Farisa).

Jika kau tidur lena mimpikan bahagia
(If you sleep, dream of all happiness).

Di taman syurgaloka kau dan aku bersua.
(We will meet again in beautiful heaven).

She will hold on to her bantal busuk (special pillow ) and she will sing this song together with me. She will always sing in the higher note when it comes to her name and then she will slowly sleep.

Farisa my darling , sleep well my darling.

There are lots of memories of her and me. I will hold on to it for dear life.
She likes to sing whenever we are in a car or in the house. She particular liked three songs. All these songs was taught by me. These songs were:

Song no 1
Title “Cari jodoh” (Looking for a bride/groom) by Wali Band.

Song no 2
Title “Ketulusan Hati” (Pure Heart) by Anuar Zain.

Some of the lyrics in this song are:
Cintaku tak berdusta (My love never lie)
Tak mengenal ingkar (Will never go against my promises)
Tak kenal nestapa (My love do not know the word of sorrow)
Apa yang ku rasakan ini (Whatever feeling I had)
Hanyalah untuk dirimu (It is just for you)
Kau dengarlah kasih ku (Please listen to me my love)

And so on
Song No 3
Title "Izinkan ku pergi"( Please let me go ) by Khair

The last verse is
Maafkan aku duhai kasih (I am so sorry my dear)
Izinkan ku pergi (Please let me go)

In her childlike voice and in her childlike way of saying the word – she was just too cute.

I missed her a lot already.

I once asked her what she wants to be when she grow up ,

“Mamatok, ayah kerja “Pontokol JPM ” (Protokol Jabatan Perdana Menteri) , mama kerja MAMPU JPM, Farisa nak jadi concalten (consultant) – tapi Fisa tak mahu pergi sekolah.”

I told her to be a consultant , she must go to school. To be a consultant she must be clever and intelligent.

She told me then , “Ayah nak pergi USA belajar, Farisa sekolah di USA la mamatok” (Mamatok, my father is going to USA to further his studies, OK, I will do my schooling in the USA too.)

She really look forward to go to the USA, she told her nanny, “Mak cik Yam, bila nak pergi USA nanti Mak Cik Yam ikutlah sebab Mak Cik Yam kena pegang tangan Farisa, mama pegang Sufi Fariha, ayah pegang Faris.”
(Mak cik Yam, when we are go to the USA, you have to follow us, you have to hold my hand, mama will hold Sufi Fariha and papa will hold Faris.) – How do you feel here?

Ya Allah, Sufi Farisa, my dear grand daughter I always love you.

My husband, thank for being here with me. Let us remember her in our heart.

My darling daughter, Suliana, God love your daughter Sufi Farisa more than us and she’s waiting for you in Heaven (Firdausi - just like the name of your husband). She is now in the best place that you can be.

My dear son-in-law Firdaus, please take very good care of my daughter. And always remember, your daughter Sufi Farisa is waiting for you and your wife in Heaven Firdausi (just like your name).

My dear son, Khairil Syafiq, who is now in Australia and could not be here with us, “It’s ok sayang (darling), I am worried about you alone there, but sayang, remember the good times you had with her. I know you had taken over 1,000 photos of her. Sayang, anak mama (my darling son) I pray for your well being. I love you.”
My dear sons, Khairil Safwan and Khairil Syahrin, thank you for being the pillar of my strength during this turbulent time and all the time. I love you both with all my heart.

To my daughter-in-law, Hidayah, thank you very much. I know my Sufi Farisa bullied you since you came into our family. She just won’t leave you alone if she knew you were in the house.

“Auntie Dayah, Auntie Dayah, sit with me, don’t go anywhere.”

Nabila, thank you for being there with me. I love you very much and I hope one day you will be part of my family. Remember how Sufi Farisa called you “Auntie Bella, Auntie Bella.”

Semah, my dear cousin, she was heavier than you are. But you always take the effort to carry her around because she asked you to pick her up. I can see you were panting. I remember she would not let go of you. You cannot move because she wanted you to be with her.

My brother Din, thank you my dear brother. Words cannot describe my gratitude to you.

Nadia, thank you for the video of Sufi Farisa singing on her few last days in life.
To Cu Nawi, thank you for being there to support me and our family.

To all my family members, my brothers and sisters, my aunties and uncles, my cousins, my nieces and nephews, thank you very much.

To all my husband’s family, thank you.

To my dearest best friend Puan Halimah Shamsuddin (SMK St Gabriel), 33 years of friendship gave me much advise, thank you very much. Every morning you will be there for me, listening to me pouring my heart out. Your advise keep me going in facing this test. Thank you my dear friend.

To Margaret Mary Lawrence, you are such a friend. I will always remember you. You came to the house with Julie Tan Abdullah and Datin Haminah Mahmud, the three of you cried with me, consoling me in between. You always send me sms to keep on advising me. We have been friends for 20 years now.

And ,yes dear, I have kissed the toes of Faris (Sufi Farisa’s three year old brother) and Sufi Fariha (Sufi Farisa’s three month old sister) as you have asked me to do through your sms.

You wrote there, “I am a mad woman!”

You are not mad my dear friend, you just love children and cannot bear to see me sad. Thank you dear.

Datin Haminah, thanks for your advises. I will call you again and again. Bear this with me. For how long? Only God knows!

Datin Zawirah, Puan Radiah Nordin, Datin Hasman Abu, Puan Hasnah – thank you so much and you will forever be dearest friends of mine. I will remember your empathy.

All my friends from SMK Bandaraya, thank you for being with me. I cannot name all of you but Puan Aizan, Puan Haslina, Puan Masitah, Cik Lili – you are all truly my friends.

My friends from SMK Maxwell, Puan Noraini and Ustazah Fazilah, Puan Habibah, En. Silvaratnam, Datin Nab, Puan Sariah; thank you.

My friends from Pejabat Pelajaran Daerah Bangsar – Pudu, Puan Rosnani, Puan Husna, Encik Hamdan, Encik Mustafa, Puan Noraini and all there, thank you! Thanks for your presence and for all the sms.

My friends from Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia, Cik Shaliza, Encik Wan Salahuddin, Encik Sohimi, my words of gratitude, thank you.

My friends from Jabatan Pelajaran WP Kuala Lumpur, Tuan Syed, Pak Ya , All Jo, my former student Mohd Nazeri Desa, Puan Halimah, Cik Ayu, Encik Yusof, Cik Faridah Jebah, Puan Norizan, Encik Mohd Noh, Puan Zie, Encik Sazali, Encik Aziz, Encik Abdullah, Cik Nik Ramas, Puan Rosni, Puan Norlilah, Puan Hajah Nik Samihah, Encik Noh, Encik Musa, En Suraimi, Puan Zah , Encik Jamal dan isteri, Puan Zainon, Encik Azizi, Encik Zaini, Puan Noraini and many others, just to name a few – thank you very much for your presence and the sms and phone calls.

Zaidi, Ita and their children, thank you. Your kid missed his tuition that day.
“Ya Allah, restuilah rakan baik ku ini.”(Merciful God please give your blessings to this good friend of mine.)

Dear friends do not be offended if I did not mention your name here, please forgive me, but thank you so much for all the condolences and support to us.

Never have I imagined, I have many good friends! Thank you dearest friends.

Sufi Farisa, I will always remember you. And till I join you in the hereafter, always remember that MAMATOK LOVE YOU SO MUCH.